a jar of buttons

Be cautious on giving up, it could be nothing else after that.
Hanging by a thread is still hanging on to something, don't let go until it decides to let you go.
Master up a lightness that has brought you to flight in your dreams.
Burdens are paperweights, a rock tied with a rope around my neck.
I carry it as i smile fictitiously, a forced laugh amongst laughs just to blend in, as you want to get it,
living a lie, ever growing, a reality fabricated from the whispers of ghosts that haunt you every time your lips part,
your mind cohorts, your soul has been stabbed.

Never give up on the flow of things, stand up like a bowling pin, constantly and shining.
Be humbled that you were given a being that is one and the same... one and the same.
Nothing feels better than being free from you are own captivity, be inside and out.
Get inspired with a thought, own it, be capable. Fears would set in as doubts become the end result, you are a puppet to it. Get that scissor dull it maybe, cut it.

Follow through, always be prepared to rebound even if you think your shot would hit nothing but net.
Pass with confidence, we can't all be Michael Jordans.
When you can't run, walk. When you can't fly, jump.
Reach for the stars, but please be back, we miss you too.

So i can be

Looking through my window with uncertainty, waking up with an excitement that is unbearable at times, it is a day of reckoning, ideas without manifestation. A deep breath, tinkering thoughts, gasping, and simple things like eating, watching television or taking a bath have excruciatingly bored the wits out of me. Living in a fantasy is not so much a fairy tale. Quite not knowing if I'm disillusioned, I live my day once again. Thinking big and not having the small steps seems so demanding. Great ideas are only figments of your intent, an intention is a boat without a paddle, floating on to the vast waters hoping it nests on an island, a refuge, peace, until you realize it is not where you want to be. This is how i start my day.

Maps like plans as x marks the spot, I am for once in dire need of it. Imprisoned by nonchalant, who cares and it will come. Picking up the pieces, a jigsaw puzzle, abstract, in search of a niche that defines your existence, your identity, your economics and things to feel up your seconds till the next ticking ones are in your control. At last, i now know that i don't know what I'm doing. To have something to look forward to that is set in stone, to be good at, to fail at, to learn from, to work on... to share my experiences with.

Bombarded by decisions without resolve are elements of indecisiveness. To many things at once, spending my wheels, tiring it out as i pay the price of being arrogant. Exhaustion, carrying a machine gun with a bullet is more of a burden than a weapon. In lieu of shame and disgrace is humility. I am humbled. I am a caterpillar once again.

Crawling to a destination or flying aimlessly. My wings are spent. Broken a lot of promises specially once i made to myself. Done breaking myself and my love ones, i look outside through my window once again. It is only a different world out there if i see the different side of me.

a date with my-self pity

Uncertain but here
Fingers typing
Mind tripping
An insecure man

Sure confusion
Forehead sweating
Eyes saddening
A frustrated man

Nervously calm
Legs vibrating
Neck breaking
A death wish

Restless in peace
Lungs gasping
Heart tightening
It’s all coming true

Hipster Coffee

Listening to random words
Can’t help but partake
The coffee is a heart stimulant
And the ears are always open
Even when the mind is closed

Black girl whose lawyering
Hong Kong dude is an alchemist whore
And I a Filipino day tripper
What an underachiever!
But high on ego and mental uproar

I sip from a recycable cup
My heart volumed to an upbeat
Thoughts razed without aim
Mac covered faces
Ahhhh … hipsterland coffee shop

Nobody seems famished in spirit
Frail bodies are a total give away
Dilemma of the modern times
Soul searching on a high
Another three dollar wake up

sun

The sun has come out of its shyness. It has brought out the life in me. The warmth on my skin brings me to the old familiar when i walked the humidity of the Philippines. The heat is fueling the fire that's within me and although my cold uncertainty has extinguished the passion from the cold winters that my life has been, I will lay my hands to its heat and stir up a luke warm state of being. There is no doubt that it helped me calm down a little. The sun has tented me from moments when my needy heart longs for the warmth of love and affection. I will walk with warm hugs once again.

I am indeed getting over a winter hangover that has left me drunk. I was alone and self indulged and even as i share moments with souls like me i had pushed them aside because it has to be me on the center stage and they are mere audiences. The signs are on but nobodies clapping. I am my own show and it was painful watching myself drowning into my own disbelief. I am stranded amongst all, i forgot to breathe properly because everything is a nervous anticipation of the next failure that i am starring in. Why should it always be a tragedy?

But the sun, it shines on for me, us and those before us. It invites me to play. It makes me laze around the grass and hear what goes on around me. It rubs me the right way. Like a soft feather on your cheek, a hand running through your hair or sweet nothings whispered in you ear.

Now that i remember how it is. I will capture the sun's rays in a bottle keep it warm in my heart and let the warmth grow by sharing it's warmth. To give is to receive. I will open it and have sips of it during my life's winters griefs.

live life dying

>As i stare to the familiarly vague with my head filled with saxophone looking up the ceiling is a canopy of heaven painted with thrift store chandelier hanging on to one of it's clouds i ask for a glimmer of truth from the darkness that envelopes my thought as it's faced with a tidal wave of doubts and sprinkles of disarray, it whirlpools to a drumbeat of nerves and palpitation, my heart is shaping through my t-shirt like a graphic design and the black coffee seems to make it worse as it adds on like cymbals clashing together whenever another thought pops up, i am once again a captive of my own demise, nestled and settled at the bottom of my gut like a sea shell that has no purpose until it's beaded together as a curtain to wall the other side of yourself that you don't want to know and the needless endeavors that distract you from living your life that's been filled with annoying suggestions of love ones on how to live your life because their life is not worth altering.

You should go to church so you would be blessed with what the business people can offer.Hopefully you can buy yourself a house because it makes you one less free loader to think about. How can we be measuring life with the things we should possess and always in the pursuit of the newest and at times useless things.Shit! Playstation 3 just came out, what am i going to do with my Playstation 2 now or what about my outdated Atari? Well, it can be a novelty game for nerdy hipsters that think its trendy to experience the past because there is no excitement in living the future unless it comes in a form of a movie about the end of the world. It seems like we are on a global death wish and the Mayans had already set a date as the promotion is up for grabs to the highest bidder from the religious to the scientist and to the entertainment people who don't believe in anything until it wins a fucking Oscar. Where was the promise of the future's so bright you've got to wear shades? Still, wayfarers are" in" specially if their ray-bans covering your already shut eyes from the disgust of whatever that opposes your tolerance or it can bring you to witness the neglected world inside surprisingly unknown to you." What is going on self, do i know you?"


Ignorance is bliss.What you don't know won't hurt you unless it's a speeding bus going straight at you while The Clashes "Should i Stay or Should i Go" is blasting on your Princess Leia earphones. The obvious is if you stay you'll definitely go...your ignorance has set you off on a permanent bliss. Good bye, we are going to miss you. Now we have to justify your existence in a beautiful eulogy that suddenly glorifies you in such exaltation it would make you rise up from your coffin to see if they were really talking about your dead ass. As i bury this sentiments in my minds grave i ask , "do you live life dying or are you dying to live life?".

laundry

Washing my clouds... clothes... in a place called Dirty Little Secrets laundromat in 24th st. by the mission in San Francis...ko. It's a usual looking laundromat although its great that they have wifi which gave me the urge and the chance to write as i set my clothes to the coin-op washing machine. It's been a month since i really did my laundry, I know... whatever... it's just one of those times when we say to ourselves... It is due. Pardon to those but I wasn't raised to do my own laundry which i say with a smile on my face but a question to my laziness. Why in the hell did it not occur to me that one day i would be washing clothes for myself? I thank you Bill Gates for the internet, laundromats has become a temporary office.

It's also a luxury doing your laundry in a cool neighborhood where there are good coffee shops and the better mexican restaurants in the city. From the laundromat two doors down is a coffee "take-out" called Dynamo and they let me have a taste of their coffee but opted on drinking a glass of "fresh" orange juice, which is quite a nice change from coffee and cigarettes. From inside the mat i am blessed with a view of the people outside and seeing the diversity with textures of hipster, junkie, local, rush, chill and a gift of sunshine from God.

I went into a psychle, a word i invented to describe the combination of two words "psyche" and "cycle"... the cycle of the psyche. I thought of the obsession of being clean from having clean to new clothes, french perfume smells which serves the opposite at times and the need to have a neat and tidy appearance. The list goes on and on to the ridiculous and to the genius of our own truth.

Laundry nowadays is big business too, from the washing machines and it's repairs through time, detergents, fabric softeners and to those poor people in the Philippines who had worked for the better off . People who'll pay them by washing their clothes usually by hand and doing their best to get a steady washing gig. All for the obsessive need to be clean.

In this world and the other worlds i ask "What is it to be clean?" It's a deep question swirling around like those clothes that i just had thrown in the dryer. They are hanging like clothes clipped in strings at your backyard always in the mercy of the rain. I remember those old movies with women washing the clothes in the river rocks, discussing technics on dealing with men who expect that they always have to do everyone's laundry amongst everything else.

And as i've exhausted all my quarters and realizing that being clean nowadays is also a matter of economics. The more clothes you have the more laundry you will have, the more money you'll spend. Then I thought of the phrase"cleanliness is next to godliness"... it's not godly it is only next to it and it cost money and money can be dirty a lot of times, give or take and that makes me wonder and ponder if i just have to invest in laundering my soul.

Improv

I auditioned for Stagewerx, an improv theater group in San Francisco. It was mind blowing and an extreme rush to be able to have this experience. I thought i could really do it just by watching "Who's line is it anyways?". I had an idea of what it entails, but again as always, my ever growing ego had the better of me. I didn't make it.

I was amongst comedians and actors who were spontaneously witty and just went with the flow.I was a nervous wreck in the middle of auditions when we were free styling. Free styling is an exercise where in actors would be given a scenario to start with to improv with each other. There were two people who started and we on the stage are to play along whenever we could add to the scene. And so i did.

I was doing my bit with them and i realized that i was talking out of my ass. Then my knees wobbled uncontrollably. I started feeling sick and i thought "this was a bad idea". It's not that i didn't want to do it. But wanting and being able to do it are two different things. Some of these comedians who are in the stage with me had done t.v. work, film and stand up and i have seen them. This is when i started judging myself. Fearful and defeated i was immobile.

They were so good they were awesome. And here i am a Filipino who who had three lines to memorize during my stint as a t.v. commercial actor, venturing into the world of improv. I can barely pronounce p's and f"s right without interchanging them. What was i thinking? It was difficult going with the flow because i can't relate to the topics and words they were improvising to even be quick witted funny. I felt like what is said on my green card... an alien.

Even though it was embarrassing i went with it. How may could say that they have improv amongst professional actors and stand up comedians? The experience were both uplifting and depleting. I would have wanted to jump in again but how can i? Life like auditions is a one shot thing. Although we can have a lot of chances in this lifetime, we must be prepared for every opportunity to own it with gusto and skills. I would love to do improv one of these days again but i might have to do it outside the theater walls for fun with friends, love ones and you.

dry

it's dry season for most weed smokers nowadays. it seems that this damn recession is getting in the way of my happy trip. no money no grassy. i haven't smoke a blunt in months...it's all good... take it eazy on the weezy... positivity

as my medical marijuana card expires on my birthday, i wonder if i will renew it... and so i wander... i could sell some weed to my friends... they never pay though and it's illegal... yeah right... you'll be more broke since they never pay... i wouldn't expect them to let me pay every time i bum a stoke or leisurely drink their water tasting corona beer... na-ah...

so the sitch is this ... it is getting dry... you got to jog now just to get high or alter the vibe to soften the edges... which is good... although my thinking was... my thinking was getting creative with weed.but it wasn't doing me any good coz i get so lazy.i get to be creative in so many ways now.i am probably not the pothead i was a week ago...but who knows.what my mama said might be true... the more you have the more you need... and i don't want to be needy just to be high...

i've been clearing up my head... getting high can be so tiring too. specially the weed is just getting stronger and stronger... which i think is good. but i have to live within my means... and i am digging my doing other stuff to be creative situation. now i have to rely on my own self to resolve some of my god damn issues. which can be quite gratifying it makes you high... now that i said that... let me celebrate with a hit of that trainwreck...